Warren Counseling Services

Please note that this work on forgiveness is not mine. I have used material gathered from many sources. I purchase books and workbooks from leaders in the field, and many come from the resources available at the American Association of Christian Counselors. Please, do not copy from my website but go to the sources I'll list at the end of my series on forgiveness, and purchase the information for your own use.

Most of us have been told we have to forgive. But no one tells us how to forgive. Most of us believe that forgiving means letting the offender off the hook. We may believe that forgiving is letting them off the hook too easy. I have heard it said that forgiving is paying a high price for another’s unrepentant ways. You may think that forgiving would make you seem weak or shallow. So, ask yourself, what message does forgiveness communicate to you?

So, who benefits from forgiveness? Forgiveness should not be an act of duty. Forgiving should be a choice. Forgiving should be of your free will. Try to answer this question: What positive rewards could you expect when you choose to forgive people who do not deserve your forgiveness? The answer is: You will be less obsessed about their treatment of you. And, for those of you who are have a spiritual aspect to your life, forgiveness is pleasing to God.

I want to mention this chart to you in brief. Look at it. Then read my explanations below.

There are four types of forgiveness: cheap forgiveness, refusing to forgive, acceptance, and genuine forgiveness. There are three possible outcomes for the types of forgiveness. The offended person will come to terms with the pain caused by the offender; the offender participates in the healing process, and reconciliation.

Look at the chart. Cheap forgiveness is where you say “I forgive you”. You may just bury the pain, cry in secret and live life as if nothing ever happened. You are not coming to terms with the pain, the offender is not participating in the healing process but you are still together.

Refusing to forgive is a demonstration by both people involved that they just want to part ways and have a valid reason to do so. No reconciliation is possible with either party.

Acceptance is evidence by the hurt party obtaining help to deal with the event, coming to terms with the reality of the event and what the new meaning associated with the reality is to you. The offender is not participating in the healing process. You are doing all the work. In this case reconciliation is possible but not required. Whichever decision is made there is a peace and you are able to move on.

Genuine forgiveness is, however, the best of all types. In the genuine forgiveness the hurt party comes to terms with the pain and the offender participates in the healing process. At the end of the process both individuals make a choice, not based on pain and hurt, but based on healing, whether to continued the relationship. This type reconciliation grows the strongest couples.

Now go to Forgiveness Part 2