Warren Counseling Services

Part 3 of our discussion on forgiveness will require you have time by yourself. Eliminate any distractions. Sit down with a cup of coffee, a notebook and a pencil. You will do a lot of writing. Somehow, seeing your buried thoughts on paper will make them easier to deal with. The things I will be asking you to do are not going to be easy. If you need help with this part you may need to call a family therapist trained to do work with forgiveness. I will be glad to assist you in this difficult area.

For all resources click on Forgiveness Resource .

Here we go.

1. List the people in your life you may be holding a grudge against and need to forgive.

1. List attempts to forgive but bitterness got in the way.

1. What are some practical steps you can take to begin the forgiveness process?

1. Why is it so hard for you to forgive?

I’ll stop right here for a moment. These four questions should take you to a place where it is hard to go. These four questions are placing some responsibility on you. You see, forgiveness is for you, from you, and about you. Do not work the following questions till you have completely processed, in your mind, openly and honestly the first four questions.

Get another cup of coffee and we will start again. Ready?

1. Is there anyone in your life that you should be asking to forgive you?

1. Am I working to forgive too quickly or am I procrastinating?

1. Is there a time element involved? (Possible scenarios would be a parent in the process of dying, a spouse threatening to leave, etc.)

1. Am I trying to forget it, acting as if nothing happened?

1. Am I afraid I am approving of the action?

1. Am I struggling to forgive and make reconciliation happen before reconciliation is possible?

These last six questions are not yes/no questions. They require thinking, writing it out, processing the words you see written on your paper, soul searching and praying. If you can make it though these ten questions with clarity you will be able to finish our sessions together. Are you ready for more?

We don’t forgive because we tend to believe that we should forgive instantly. That is not possible. We tend to believe that if we forgive we must forget. That is not possible either. We tend to believe that forgiving means they get away with what they did to us. That is not correct.  We don’t forgive because reconciliation is confused with forgiveness.

What are some reasons you have not dealt with forgiveness? Is it too painful? Do you just want to ignore it? Are you trying to avoid dealing with something? Are you tired of dealing with it? You just want to let it all go and forget it ever happened? Or is it another reason that keeps this horrible deed in the forefront of your mind?

Stop now. Mull over the questions I have just posed to you and write your responses on your paper. Write as if you are talking to me. In fact, if you need to you can email me and do your writing that way.

Now, let’s keep going. What are some ways you will benefit from having gone through the forgiveness process? Are you able to look back over your life and find a situation where you did forgive someone and in hindsight you are glad you did because of the good that has come from it? Can you imagine for me, what you life would be like right now if you had not forgiven that individual? Write about that for me.

Let’s talk about the ways you may have attempted to forgive. Did you think about the hurt often? Did you tell your story about the pain to others? Did you empathize with the person that hurt you? Did you sympathize with the person that did this to you? Did you make say “I forgive you”, telling others the same thing, only to know in your heart that you did not forgive?

How have you felt when you were forgiven for something? Grateful? Free? Wonderful? Undeserving? Peaceful? What emotions were you experiencing when you wronged someone? Greif? Confusion? Anger? Resentment? Jealousy? Bitterness? Fear?

It is so important that we understand emotions and how the emotions play in the offense process. People tend to take the problems of life out on the people closest to them. People tend to behave in ways that are hurtful when they don’t know how to decipher the emotions they really feel. Write for me the responses you have to the last three paragraphs.

We will stop for now. Work on this section and when don move to Forgiveness part four and you need to have your knee pads handy. You will be using them.