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Current Question and the Response:

Kitchen Table Discussions with Ms. Cindy

Q. We are already having problems at home and I feel we can work through them but my wife seems to spend her day talking to the man that works in the next cubicle at her job. When I bring something up she says, “John (not his correct name) and I talked about it and I think…..” or “I ran that by John and….”I feel that John is my wife’s husband and I’m just a roommate. Is this normal or am I over reacting?

A. Work place spouse is the term used to describe your wife’s relationship with John. You were closer in identifying what was going on than you actually thought. Good for you!

Work place spouses serve many functions in a job setting. A good reason for a work place spouse is the team work and complimentary talents that can go into getting a job done efficiently and in record time (two heads are better than one). Your wife and her friend may compliment each other for the good of the company.

On the other hand, work place spouses can be damaging in many ways. Fellow workers may view this tight team as a clique and feel excluded causing hard feelings at work. On a deeper level, however, a work place spouse is used to feel a dangerous void. In most cases one may use the work place spouse as a sounding board for their troubles at home, telling the most intimate of details. An individual talks intimately with the one who will listen without becoming defensive or irritable. The work place spouse has nothing to lose or gain so listening is not threatening in any way.

Discussing things of an intimate nature, with a work place spouse is short changing the marriage spouse. When a marriage is suffering, for whatever reason, learning to communicate effectively with each other is crucial to healing the marriage. Going outside the marriage to communicate is robbing the marriage of an essential nutrient needed for growth. You are right to feel displaced by your wife’s work place spouse relationship.

Ask your wife to discuss the relationship with you and watch the reaction. She may feel you are jealous and respond in a defensive manner, not wanting to let go of the bond built by the communication closeness. Show her this article if she is not willing to hear how you feel. Be careful that you do not point fingers or become irritable. Just talk about how you feel as a result of the office bond. Her need to talk outside the marriage indicates communication is difficult at home. You may need to make some changes as well as your wife.

The communication breakdown that you and your wife are experiencing may require a few sessions with a Marriage and Family Therapist to be build the skills of communication at home once again.

You may email me at MsCindy@CommunityNewsNow.com with your questions. Till next week…continuing to instill hope in all things!

Ms. Cindy